I Do Not Understand Your Moon-Man Language!
a Contest from Remi Treuer and Moss Collum

The Conversation: On AOL Instant Messenger, this very Evening, Mr. Remi Treuer and I (Moss Collum) had a Conversation that was quite similar in tone to most of our interactions, but unusual in that it appears to have been conducted in some Weird-Ass Made Up Language that we invented, but cannot read.

The Contest: Since we do not wish to go forever unacquainted with the Content of our Thoughts, we have decided that we shall set out this Challenge: let each Man, Woman, or Child, who reads this Notice, attempt to translate this Passage of ours as best they can. The full Text will be provided--with the names changed--, but unfortunately no other helps are available at this Time, due to the exceeding Rarity of the Language here used. The One who offers the best translation, in Mr. Treuer's and my Judgment, will win a Reward for his, or her, or its, efforts.

The Rules: Each Contestant shall submit as complete a Translation as possible, along with a set of Explanatory Notes; however, we recognize that, given the Difficulty of the Material, a full Translation may not be possible, and we will therefore recognize partial translations as acceptable entries. Each Contestant shall turn in his, or her, or its, Translation (and Notes), through email, to Mr. Treuer ([email protected]) and me ([email protected]), by the First of November, in this Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and One.

The Reward: The Author of the Translation and Notes judged best shall see his, or her, or its, Work formatted for printing, and distributed, according to this plan: 10 copies to be distributed by Mr. Treuer in Athens, Georgia; 10 copies to be distributed by myself in Santa Rosa, California; 10 copies to be sent to the Winner, to be distributed as he, or she, or it, will. The Winner shall also receive a copy of the formatted Work, saved as a PDF, for later reprinting. Mr. Treuer shall draw and present to the Winner a single page Comic, illustrating the Winner's favorite Part of the Dialogue. I shall present to the Winner a small Package consisting of: two (2) paper clip animals, their species to be chosen by the Winner; a single Tobacco Cigarette, or a length of thread, should the Winner choose to avoid tobacco; a small Book; and a fifth Item of good quality.

The Text:

Gonnst Pberekal: Ong ong ong.
Traffel Tobernai: Gno gno gno!
Traffel Tobernai: Nap nap oi! Nap oi!
Gonnst Pberekal: Cees zeep!
Traffel Tobernai: Nai fwiddle del fomb un ter foble nowng.
Gonnst Pberekal: Pandi echti ploorang.
Traffel Tobernai: Ay? Ift dun hoop nerher!
Gonnst Pberekal: Byoord! Finsol achbar est!
Traffel Tobernai: Est! Est achbar finsoleddet. Amd foy neuge?
Gonnst Pberekal: Amd est.
Traffel Tobernai: Est fooder tein. Mai, fitd lee houm duhren toobie?
Gonnst Pberekal: Eeeeh. Cu'on duhren tols den padshitnamaneirpajeflek.
Traffel Tobernai: Padshi... Faddle! Ipple tofei ipple tom di tom est!
Gonnst Pberekal: Ippleddet tom! Quin gon sotrepa!
Gonnst Pberekal: Pish pish!
Traffel Tobernai: Heepl! Heepl di!
Gonnst Pberekal: Plesh. Ignapta poo.
Traffel Tobernai: Weffm, top dun tou fup ten dober. Elser bom.
Gonnst Pberekal: Pok dar gon repanclidestu exigee. Plo, inton gon trineshe.
Traffel Tobernai: Shintre fou dee topple ho tuperon sefder. Sut ti holjir?
Gonnst Pberekal: Holjir, holjir. Malek suvenam holjir?
Traffel Tobernai: Holjir an ti fooder njerdei, mai phon an ti droye. Afte top di fonde.
Gonnst Pberekal: Pakreshta! Ellerant ti achebital. Quo ti albetal noshlo holjir.
Traffel Tobernai: Holjir quo tido, ui! Eft er nemmend. Eft ellerant, phon?
Gonnst Pberekal: Ekst, ellerant tillstramn krebsht. Tido achebital holkir nost pintel inc verr.
Gonnst Pberekal: ehhhh, holjir inc holkir.
Traffel Tobernai: Holjir ver dast.
Gonnst Pberekal: Ton! Ton, ton. Holkir inc dast. Holjir ver achebital.
Gonnst Pberekal: bagh! penopen, Holjir inc holjir
Traffel Tobernai: Scheibitel ollr mat dast, am nober to nober dost.
Gonnst Pberekal: Aaaaah. Ypon olkrebs dast perra perra?
Traffel Tobernai: Dast perra mai olkrebs, mai perra dast. Sai tobmeh?
Gonnst Pberekal: Ton.
Gonnst Pberekal: Perra dast inc perra mai dast trinrosh pakketa.
Traffel Tobernai: Dast perra mai pakketa hopeny det fou nefnend, zou ens. Loush der foun. Der ho nieber datun, ho dast, ho dat pettun, hai.
Gonnst Pberekal: Ah heheh. Probitos, entutas. Holjin hai pinnatoropos.
Traffel Tobernai: Hai nun. Ko de ku. Han.